何者かになりたくて空回っていた頃のこと – 生きる歯ごたえ

何者かになりたくて空回っていた頃のこと

東京にしがみつきたかった

20代前半、最初に勤めていた会社をうつ病で辞めました。
東京で何者にもなれなかった自分が情けなくて情けなくて、
まだ自分の可能性を信じたくて、非正規雇用で転職して
だらだらと東京に住んでいました。
(彼氏は起業すると言って失踪しました笑 メンヘラすげー嫌われてたわ。)

飲食系のパートで時給はたぶん最低賃金に近かった気がする。
残業がない。家から近い。それだけで最初は満足していましたが、
転職して半年過ぎた頃から退屈になってきたんですね。

置かれた場所で咲きなさい、みたいな今いる職場で最大限の工夫をし
少しずつステップアップして正社員になって昇給して~
みたいな夢は見てなかった。
女性のみの職場の独特の閉塞感もあって、疲れていたのもありました。

で、漠然と学校に通いたくなりました。資格とかスキルとか
分かりやすいもの を身につけて専門職で転職したいな、と。
今思えばこれが壮大な遠回りの始まりでもあったんですが。
お金を稼ぎたいのに、元手がかかっていつ回収できるか
分からないことを始めるという。
(人生で何回かこれやります)

「何かを作りたい」、「作ることを仕事にしたい」
子供の頃から思い続けて、でも実際手を出せなくて、
呪いのようなものになっていました。
今度こそやらないと自分はダメになる。
(今思えば、20代前半なら先に金を稼いでその後好きな事やればいいじゃん!
と思うところですが、 うつ病治療中なこともあって考えに余裕がない。
自殺願望もあったので余計焦っていた。)

フリーター 服作りを学ぶ

服作りを学ぶために服飾専門学校のオープンカレッジで
パターンメイキング(平面)を学ぶことにしました。 (夜間週2回、半年で8万)
前職でボロボロになったメンタル、現職でやりがいも将来への期待も持てない不安を誤魔化したい。
人より得意なものがあった頃の自分を取り戻したかった。

アナログなことを選んだのは、テクノロジーを使った(自分にとっては)新しいことにチャレンジしたくなかっただけでしょうね。
プログラミングスクールなんて検討対象にすらしてなかったもん笑
POT(Pay Over Tuition)スコア的な視点が全くなかった。
(技術を習得するコストが、その職種の平均賃金に見合うのか=コスパが良いのか?)

服飾のスクールは楽しかったです。
自腹切って勉強するのも初めてだったし、新宿だし、
意識高くなっていたせいか職場でもちょっとドヤってましたね、やな奴。
半年のパターンメイキング(平面)の講座を終え、少し友達もできて、
ステップアップのために 立体裁断の講座を受講しました。
(土曜週1回、半年で4万)

講座受講後にコスプレイヤーの友人から依頼を受けて衣装制作(有料)をやってたんですが、
立体裁断の知識と経験はけっこう役に立ちました。
今もシルバニアの服作りに役立ってるので、まあ良かったかな、と。
あとレイヤーさんで服は作らないけど既製品じゃイヤって人は
けっこう気前が良かったりします。
生地を選べるのが良いらしいです。既製品ってぺらぺらで安っぽいの多いので。差別化ってやつ?
この友人は気に入ったから、と見積りの2割増で支払ってくれた。
私も人に何か頼んだら、こういう金の払い方をしたいなと思ったよね!

服作りを学ぶために服飾専門学校のオープンカレッジでパターンメイキング(平面)を学ぶことにしました。
(夜間週2回、半年で8万)
前職でボロボロになったメンタル、現職でやりがいも将来への期待も持てない不安を誤魔化したい。
人より得意なものがあった頃の自分を取り戻したかった。

アナログなことを選んだのは、テクノロジーを使った(自分にとっては)新しいことにチャレンジしたくなかっただけでしょうね。
プログラミングスクールなんて検討対象にすらしてなかったもん笑

服飾のスクールは楽しかったです。自腹切って勉強するのも初めてだったし、新宿だし。
意識高くなっていたせいか職場でもちょっとドヤってましたね、やな奴。
半年のパターンメイキング(平面)の講座を終え、少し友達もできて、ステップアップのために
立体裁断の講座を受講しました。(土曜週1回、半年で4万)

講座受講後にコスプレイヤーの友人から依頼を受けて衣装制作(有料)をやってたんですが、
立体裁断の知識と経験はけっこう役に立ちました。
今もシルバニアの服作りに役立ってるので、まあ良かったかな、と。
あとレイヤーさんで服は作らないけど既製品じゃイヤって人はけっこう気前が良かったりします。
生地を選べるのが良いらしいです。既製品ってぺらぺらで安っぽいの多いので。差別化ってやつ?
この友人は気に入ったから、と見積りの2割増で支払ってくれた。
私も人に何か頼んだら、こういう金の払い方をしたいなと思ったよね! 

舞台は魔境である

スクールに通っていた時期に、知り合いの伝手で舞台を手伝うことになりました。
エキストラやったり、衣装作ったり、ヘアメイクやったり。

普段接することのないタイプの人達に接することができて、今も交流のある友人もいるし、まあ楽しかったと言えるんだけど、金にはならなかったです。
(本番当日の日給は出るが、数か月に渡る稽古は無給&交通費自腹)
フルタイムで働きながら終業後や土日に稽古して、なんとなく帰りに飲み会で金使って。
気持ち的には充実してても、時間とお金が圧迫されて精神安定剤を飲む回数が増えました。

メンバーは首都圏に実家があって、有名大学在学or卒の人達が大半でした。
リアルの場での表現活動って余裕のある人達の特権なのかもですね。  

フリーター実家へ帰る

パターンメイキング(平面)を講座を終える頃、飲食系から縫製工場に転職しました(バイト)。
「物を作ることでお金を稼ぐ」を初めて出来た時です。
いわゆるアットホームな職場で人間関係面倒だなーと思いつつも
作ること自体は楽しかった。
が、半年以上勤めていてもバイト代が当時の東京都の最低賃金を下回っていました。
あれ?
研修期間3ヶ月終えたら昇給するとか言ってなかったかい?
労基署に訴えることもできましたが、もう何もかも疲れ切って差額払ってもらうことを条件に辞めました。
工業用の特殊ミシンの扱いがその後の人生に役に立つことはなかったです。
まあそんなもんですよ。職場内でしか通用しないスキルなんて山ほどあるでしょ。そのひとつ。

メンタル的にも悪化していたので都内で転職活動はしませんでした。
というか自殺願望がかなり強かった時期です。
葛西橋の夜景を眺めながらもう終わりだなーと思ってた。
これで4年間の東京生活終わりっ。  

現在のまりざわ、下剋上を狙う

今現在ど田舎の実家でブログ書いてる訳ではなく、
大企業で働きながら首都圏でひとり暮らししてます。
この経緯を書くと長くなるので、また別のブログで書こうと思います。

非正規の頃は正社員になれれば何とかなると夢を見てましたが、
時代は令和です。
老後資金2000万貯めろと言われます。
年金いくら貰えるか分かりません。
消費税10%です。
社会保障費減らされます。

もう、健康なうち稼げる時に稼ぐしかない状況になっちまいました。
稼ぎ方はネットに無料で落ちてます。拾うしかないでしょ。  

まとめ

・何か始めたいなら元手がかからないor少額で始められることがおすすめ(パソコン、スマホでできること)
・ひとりで仕事にするならデジタルがおすすめ
(アナログならかなり技術力や営業力に自信がある場合のみかなー)
・場所&時間を拘束されるものは、余程の理由がない限りやめとこう
 (交通費で赤字だ!外食費がかかる)

以上、若い頃のこじらせたまりざわの失敗談でした。
みなさんの何かの参考になればいいなと思います。

くっそ生きてやりましょうミレニアル世代


くすぶっていた頃の恋愛の失敗談はこちら
陰キャが陽キャと付き合って半年で別れた話

marizawa

人生に飽きっぽくて、生きる歯ごたえを探しながら生きてます。 少ない労働と少ない消費で生き延びつつ、FIRE目指して準備中。 副業歴はブログ3回ほど挫折、DIYのYouTubeチャンネル開設(更新少ないけど継続中)、今4度目のブログ。 投資歴はFX1年ほど(休止中)、積立NISAと積立仮想通貨1年目。 発達障害(ASD)傾向ありのうつ病 【Twitter】@85_tae 【YouTube】https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC27zMz4qKnEprx8ohPzVpGg?view_as=subscriber

あわせて読みたい

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